Don’t you ever get tired of living in obscurity, I ask myself?

Don’t you ever get tired of having so much you want to share, and maybe in the sharing get some clarity, but you keep holding your tongue?

Don’t you get tired of waiting to be seen, by a world that is blind ?

Don’t you ever get tired of waiting to be wanted by souls that know not what they need?

Don’t you ever get tired of waiting for something other than yourself to tell you that you are enough?

I have had quite an expansive and interesting range of experiences in my life so far, and upon reflection, I have come to somewhat of a conclusion concerning this phase of my life and what I choose to do with it. Yes, just like always, for Sophie, everything must start with a revelation that has been stewing for a while and is finally ready to be made incarnate.

There will be no timelines, there will be no goals for any ‘bettering of being’ but just one intention;

To get back to where I started when I knew that life was all about learning ‘Me’, and getting to meet myself and recognise Her each day.

The other events, people who show up, stuff that happens, are all subservient to this one intent. I am the author and the protagonist all at once. If this be not so, then God forbid! This is not MY life that I live!

It has come to my understanding as more of an observation than I dare claim it to be fact, that we are all stories unfolding, poetry in motion, and the threads we weave along this timeline, intertwine in all sorts of intricate ways that sometimes lead us into forgetting our own threads. We begin treading along others’, and in the process lose ourselves.

I am a story unfolding.

You are a story unfolding.

We all are stories…unfolding.

But in my story, I am the lead, and I am the partial author; the other being the Invisible hand that we have not quite come to an agreement on whose hand it is, my Soul and I. But the Invisible hand writes on still, along with my own… choosing without my consent sometimes the other stories that run in parallel and intersect with my own.

Whenever I find myself unable to identify as the author of my own story, and can see myself not taking the centre role in the script, then someone should sound the alarm!

Someone sound the bloody alarm, and yell at me to take back the reigns!!!

This piece here is a start in the process of taking back my place, and writing the script that I intend. Conversations in my head have gone on non-stop about trying to rewrite chapters that I am unhappy with. But once more on reflecting, unless I can find a time machine, this is an impossible and impractical feat at present. All I can do, is reflect without judgement and with a lot of compassion before picking up the pen again to write the next chapters. I can harvest all the good crop yielded from that lone gone planting season, and that which did not survive, I can round up into heaves and burn. The rest become lessons, lessons I must embrace and truly embody so life doesn’t keep throwing at me the same exams!

One of the first lessons that comes to mind today on this crisp late autumn Sunday morning is this…

“Don’t wait until all your ducks are in a row to act, because these bloody ducks will always keep quacking and pattering about, and never quite stand still in a single file!

I have always planned almost everything.

I like to think of myself as a natural strategist; a modern day Athena of sorts laying out battle plans amidst a VUCA world. Whilst these well laid out battle plans are essential to the art of war, that darned Invisible hand sometimes has its on plot twists that we are not always privy to until the very last minute. Plans are something I have learned keep me as a human being sane, and allow me a certain level of security and a sense of being in control, despite how false and flawed the entire notion of security and stability is… but it helps.

It helps to believe that I have some level of control over what happens to me, despite it not being absolute control. That said though, my pseudo-control through these detailed thought out plans is like these ducks, that in theory would be great if they would all just stand in a straight line for just a quick second. But reality is quite different, they keep moving don’t they?

The minute I think the Career duck is all set, I glance over and the Relationship duck is trotting away towards an alligator waiting to snatch it as soon as it gets close enough. In trying to run after that duck to save it, the Wellbeing duck unaware of its surroundings, is standing in the path of a slithering python sliding towards it from the thickets of the dark forest next to the beautiful lake where we had all decided to set up camp. It looked like the perfect location and a great idea from the initial outlook, I think to myself. I am just in time to stop the Relationship duck from getting any closer to the alligator, and I already have to sprint towards that oblivious Wellbeing duck before the venomous reptile strikes. In the midst of all of this, the other ducks are all but nowhere to be seen; Travel, that Book that I always wanted to write, Family and Friendships, Legacy and Wealth and …well I think the picture is clear enough for now.

Jordan Peterson comes to mind, and I can’t help but laugh out loud.

“Things fall apart of their own accord”, his voice echoes in my head almost mockingly.

So to hell with too much planning. I wanted to have a strategy put in place of how to come back to my blog on encountering myself, and the answer keeps coming back as being the same, JUST START.

Just begin, and keep showing up for yourself every single day.

Every single day, consciously choose which duck or two needs to be in place, which ones need saving the most for that day. So whilst they may not be in a perfect row all the time, at least they are in each other’s vicinity where, if there should be any danger lurking and threatening them, you can swiftly herd them all to safety.

Write this story, your story.

Be the protagonist of this story.

Do not let fillers take centre roles that they never earned, and should not ever have.

Choose which characters get to stay in which chapters and why?

Wake up!

Don’t let the script run amok; the Invisible hand despite not being fully controlled by you, does indeed take its cues from you. Give it the cues you need it to have, to get the right serendipitous moments in your unfolding .

Part of story telling a new story that has never been told is that, you do not have to know how it will end when you begin writing it. That is the joy of the first manuscript. The joy of the trail not yet ventured along. The end could be anything you want it to be, and you are allowed to change your mind along the way. This is the beauty of writing anew, and not rewriting old scripts.

Starting fresh.

All you have to do is show up daily to the page, and lay down verse, prose and the plot you want to see unfold.

This was my round about way of starting to show up for myself again.

Beginning again to pick up the pen and marry it to paper as I have done countless times before, but not to try to correct old scripts already filed, read and judged.

No, this is to unveil a new story.

I used to want to only come to this page knowing already what ending I wanted, but I am at peace with choosing daily what happens in each chapter.

I choose to be conscious of the omens and inspiration that comes from others’ stories, and the Invisible hand’s inkling, but all the while still consciously choosing what my protagonist becomes, and what this story gets to be about.

As I write about Her, She reveals herself to me, and we are once again back to the space we have been longing to return to…

This space that feels like home, where we are seeking our one and only true love… Sophie.